A De-Pantsing I Can Believe In

Usher is many things to many people. To many, he is the greatest all-around performer since Michael Jackson. To me, he is a man who likes to drop trou in public.

But to those who attended the We Are One concert yesterday in Washington, D.C., he was just the dude doing a trio with Stevie Wonder and Shakira. Seriously, how did Garth Brooks Chris Gaines Garth Brooks get to sing three solo joints, including "American Pie" (the longest song in history) and "Shout" (the most annoying song in history), while my beloved pants-hating Usher only got to sing one-third of one track? That is not change I can believe in.

And might I add while we're all e-gathered here together right now (as One), what in Blockbuster hell was Tom Hanks there for? Lately, the only way for Mr. Hanks to salvage a performance would be if he re-enacted the scene from Forrest Gump in which he awkwardly is invited to make a speech at the anti-'Nam (and please pronounce that to rhyme with "yam") rally and instead decides to wade in the Reflecting Pool to find long-lost, dirty hippy Jenny. But no, in reality he probably just blathered on about his next greatest failure of a film, Angels and Demons, the sequel to his last greatest failure of a film, The Da Vinci Code. I don’t know. I wasn't really listening. I was too busy thinking about Usher taking his pants off.